Bubba's Chili Contest

Bubba's Yankee friend comes to "Bubba's Chili Contest" in Texas

Careful: Pore Ole Frank done got trashy mouth tellin notes bout this one! Y'all watch da little ones!

NOTE: Please y'all, take time to read this slowly. If ya pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of my friend is even better. For those of you what done lived in Texas, y'all know how true this all is. We actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. Actually we have cookoffs all the time down round here.

These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Bubba in Texas from the East Coast.

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. Seems Bubba was tied up and needed some help.
The original judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when Bubba asked for my help. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

(Note from Bubba: I really thought my ole friend Frank would enjoy this and come rat back down agin next year ta help me out again)

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Jim Bob's Maniac Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Roy Lee's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoevre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Scooter Bob's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- An almost beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Becky Lou's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera Jane's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb and a great flavor.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Rita Mae's screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slide unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Cooter Brown's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect nicely blended chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Some wonderfuly spicy jalepenos used in this one. This one will bring just a hint of tears to your eyes the way a good chili should.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

Chili # 9 -- Bubba's Other Chili not fer Amatures (Serious Chili fer Texans)

Judge # 1 -- This is the best chili I have ever had the priveledge to enjoy. However, I will tell you this one is not for an amature chili eater. This one we had to disqualify because we thought Ole Bubba went overboard trying to please folks. This chili has a wonderful blend of peppers. Jalepeno, really hot red cayenne, some wonderfull black unknown pepper and some really hot peppers we could not identify, bringing a wonderful taste. But we think Ole Bubba has cheated and brought in some of the hottest peppers in the world that are not on our allowed list of ingredients. Our ingredient list is most liberal, but this is just too much for most folks to be able to find. Bubba may have raised this wonderful mixture of flavor all on his own. He won't tell. I think it is Naga Jolokia pepper - known as the hottest pepper in the world from India. Disagreement has arisen on whether it is a Capsicum frutescens or a Capsicum chinense. Guiness World Book of Records rated it 855,000 units on the Scoville scale,[1][4] and in 2004 an Indian export company called Frontal Agritech obtained a rating of 1,041,427 units.

Technical jargon aside this one needs a chaser! It is wonderful and has a decidedly strong bite to it. It really goes well with buttered cornbread and a good ole beer to wash it down.

Judge # 2 -- Bubba has surpassed himself with this one. I admit I just had to have some good ole buttered cornbread to go along with this one to get it to slide down my gullet with great ease. This one is indeed tangy! But alas, I think illegal also. But if ya grew up in Texas this one would just make you rat proud of Bubba!

Judge # 3 -- Not present - his vote will ot count since he did not have one! Well, this poor old guy had to be carted off. He did not even get the pleasure of tasting this wonderful nector of a chili! Perhaps he can enjoy some of this when it is not in a contest. Too bad this one is illegal.

(We got Ole Frank to da hospital rat quick. He was jus fine in a week or so. We took ole Frank out to dat flying machine and sent him rat home to his kin. They thanked us - well sorta. Frank says he'll come a fishin wit me but he don't want no more Chili. Poor ole Frank jes cain't even talk about our Chili no more.)

(P yeah - he don't even wanna try Ole Bubba's Bar-B-Q neither. We gonna have ta edukate him next time I guess)

(PP yeah - Y'all done know I din writ all dis myself. Ole Bubba done stole some of dis stuff! I hopes y'all enjoyed it all anyway!)

Bubba