Today is Valentines Day. One of those days I used to make a point to call you ...to go along with the card I sent you. This year, there isn't any card.. there isn't a phone call. Though this year is different, because you died 2 months ago...

There hasn't been the card or call for the last 3 or 4 years. Same reason the visits weren't there Mom. I was hurting. I was facing things about my Mother I didn't want to face. Things, no Daughter SHOULD have to face. I couldn't bring myself to come home to see you. I didn't want to look at you and wonder how you could have loved me so little and allow so much to happen to me.

I was afraid Mom. Afraid of telling you I hated you. I don't hate you, though for awhile I was been feeling like I did.. and should. I can't say anymore, "I love you Mom" but I don't hate you either.

When I saw you on your deathbed, I saw my past. I felt numb. I couldn't bring myself to touch you. It was hard to talk to you and harder yet, to comfort you. When I looked at you in your coffin, I trembled. I felt a panic I couldn't explain.. still can't explain. During the service, I thought to myself, "I have no parents anymore." I guess I never did.

Things still come back to me.. pulling on your skirt when I was little.. wanting to 'go with you' when you left the house so I wasn't beaten or worse.. by Dad. You pushing me away saying, "No". You getting so angry at night you would come into our bedrooms with the razor strap to beat us but never did.. you threw it down Mom, And walked out. I loved you for that! But, now I know you just told Dad to wake us and beat us when he came home from work instead. That way we would be too afraid the next night when you wanted us asleep so one of your many boyfriends could come over.

I think about all the times you've told me you loved me. In the 29 years I lived away from home, you never called me but one time and then it wasn't even YOU who called me. You had my sister call and ask me what you wanted to know. Very rarely during the times I called you were you interested in me or my family Mom. You asked about the kids maybe 10 or 12 times in all those years. Not once have you ever sent my kids so much as a card for their birthdays or Christmas. Not once have you bothered with them. I guess you loved them, your Grandchildren... as much as you loved me.

I'm going to pretend for just a moment you've reached out to ask me how the kids are Mom. They are doing wonderful! They have had parents who love them dearly and try to put their best interests before their own. The great grandchildren who I raise and you've never asked about other than calling their Mother, my daughter, "Useless and should be locked up," Will be raised with love and understanding and no fear. Thank you Mom. For showing me how NOT to raise my family.

Happy Valentines Day

Kat